The day I became someone else...

Our morning started as usual that day. We were running getting dressed, eating breakfast and getting winter coats on for school . I had 3 children under the age of 6 so life was busy. Lauder was in 1st grade , my beautiful blond girl that loved to twirl, ride her bike and read books. Jack was 4 and he loved anything that had to do with Matchboxes, wearing cowboy boots and Star Wars. There was our 14 month old Owen. My blue eyed baby , always smiling , laughing and he loved anything that had to do with Lauder and Jack. We drove Lauder to school and I came home with the boys to start housework. Wednesdays Jack didn't have school so I thought Owen could nap and Lauder had a half day so we would all go grocery shopping then. It was a cold December morning Owen was eating his bagel in his highchair and Jack was busy pushing his cars around the kitchen floor. I called my mom and talked about the kids and the upcoming plans for Christmas. I laid Owen down with his bottle and played peek a boo as he laughed and hung onto his railing pulling his blanket up and down as we all laughed. Jack looked through the crib and said nighty night Owie and I put Owen's music on and kissed him . I said I see you soon , momma loves you . I shut the door. Lauder's bus dropped her off and I told her Momma has to get Owen up and well get ready for the store. We opened the boys room and Owen was face down in his crib. I rolled him over and he was blue. I yelled to Lauder call 911. I started breathing into my son's mouth as I was running and screaming. I was screaming and it was like I wasn't really in my body. We lived in a duplex I ran outside carrying Owen , screaming for my neighbor. He came out and started CPR on Owen in our foyer. The fireman arrived with the Chief of Police. He started asking me questions. I was helpless watching my son. I only remember repeating three words as the police officer held my elbows and tried to keep me standing ...Help me God. Owen was placed in the ambulance and the police officer said I will take you to the hospital. I walked out in my bare feet , he said Ma'am I believe you need shoes.We pulled up to the hospital he radioed in and said I have the mother. I was led to a small room near the emergency room. My husband walked in with Owen's doctor . She was crying ...I was crying and screaming No No No .....I fell to my knees , they tried to help me stand up . I was screaming to God. They led me into a curtained room . Owen was so small on the big bed. He had tubes in his arms, and burns on his chest from them trying to revive him. He was naked except for his diaper and his socks with little yellow ducks. They placed Owen in my arms. His blue eyes were pitch black. His lips were bluish and his sweet breath smelled of oxygen from a tank. I rocked back and forth telling God... You can bring him back , You can bring him back , YOU CAN MAKE HIM BREATHE AGAIN. I prayed , I begged, I bargained with God. Dear God this wasn't happening. A medical examiner watched from the corner of the room , I held onto Owen I knew they wanted to take him from me. I didn't want to give him to her. I arrived home to my children asking where their brother was they were standing next to the lit Christmas tree. I didn't have an answer . I fell into my parents arms. Dear God help me. Help me I beg You.


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